Friday, September 3, 2010

The Page of Pumpkins and a Bit of the Inner Me

A friend recently sent me what she calls "fun money" and I'm to use it for something fun - no necessity purchases, but honest to goodness fun.  I like that.  It makes me not have to be the practical penny pinching girl of most every other day.  So in honor of that and the friend who sent the gift I headed out to find myself a fun new Tarot deck and when I saw the Halloween Tarot I knew it had to be.  This friend is also a late October birthday girl and has a love for Halloween and all the crazy fun stuff that goes with it.  I just know I'll be getting her a set of these cards in a month or so.

The traditional suits of the Tarot have been changed from pentacles to pumpkins, cups to ghosts, wands to imps and swords to bats.  At first the deck seems whimsical, not too serious.  But when you look closely all the traditional elements are still there but with enough of a twist in most of the cards to give a fresh new opportunity to explore the meanings of the cards, possibly find new ways of seeing them and applying them and as I looked through it carefully last night I started seeing that it indeed has some incredible depth.  Perfect for personal meditation, which is what I like to use tarot for.  I like to use the symbolism to open up my mind and dig deeper.  So I pulled one card from the deck last night and started contemplating it.  It started on simple enough, little observations, then a few surprising ones and then a flood gate opened up and suddenly I was writing deep personal reflection and when I was done, I was amazed.  Who would have thought such a silly seeming deck could unlock so much.  But it did and I am making myself be brave and actually post my reflections here.  So with out further ado, I present the Page of Pumpkins and a bit of the inner me.

The page here, reminds me of Wednesday from the Adams Family, with her long dark hair and her black and white striped socks.  She's stopped along the path she's walking for a moment, sat down her school books and takes the time to contemplate where she's going and what it means.  She's picked up the pumpkin/jack-o-lantern - looking into the face of it, studying it - there's even a feeling of scrying as she looks long and hard at it.  I see in this card an idea of pondering what you want to be when you grow up, where you want your life to go.  What will her studies manifest into in the future?  How will they effect her practical everyday life - her livelihood, her home, all those physical, tangible aspects?  I'm reminded of the kay sera song, the questions that were asked.  It's a clear starry night, a perfect time to see things clearly, at least what can be seen in the dark.  The bright things, the things that stand out. There's the smiling moon looking down on her, a friendly ghost hovering nearby, watching and the black cat that is in every card is at her feet, looking up at her.  There's no expectations from the others in this card, just warm companionship, watching the page,waiting to  see what she might decide, what she might become.  I love how everyone else in this card seems to be joyfully, eagerly watching the page.  Kind of like how it's easy to watch a child as they discover new things and by watching you can get just as much delight and joy from the discovery as the child has.  There's a freshness about this card in that way.  Where all the curiosity, hope and excitement for life and the future is expressed and it makes those around the page joyful to watch it.  I recall how Mark once told me, when we had only been together a short time, that he enjoyed seeing me enjoy things even more than just enjoying them himself.  He enjoyed my excitement and exuberance about life (in spite of all that that life had dealt me) and that being around that brought him joy.  Great joy.  I had been so happy when he said that and have always held it close to my heart, a shield, a form of protection.  Because not everyone who has come into my life has responded that way to who I am.  They've judged those qualities in me and even tried to squash them.  Something that hurt so deeply each time it happened because my heart was pure, I had shared myself openly, giving of my heart and energy freely, and was met with far less enthusiasm than my loving husband had expressed to me that day.  It is interesting that this card came up.  I had a moment or two tonight where I almost  felt I should pull back, not just be myself in all my enthusiastic expressiveness because of fear of being hurt again the way I had been in the past.  I kept telling myself that I need to just be myself, but that can be hard when doing so in the past seems to have caused people to react in negative ways and brought them onto me, trying to make me something I wasn't, something they were more comfortable with or had more control of or whatever other notions that were in there minds.  So opening up again, especially in groups is a scary thing for me.  I meet people that I enjoy their company, we have fascinating conversations and I let myself enjoy it only to find out that the others were not being open and truthful, but were judging - my intentions, my heart, my personality - me, everything about me.  It's hard to open yourself up over and over to that, taking that risk of it happening again - knowing you might get burned and hurt deeply yet again.   But a flower that never opens has little to offer the world and never gets to put its face to the sun and is a dark and dreary and somewhat pointless existence and that is not what I want my life to be.  So I'm trying again and hoping for the best.  And in this card I can see myself as that page, though not just starting out in life, but in a new direction with new possibilities and new people.  The Moon like that Universal Spirit that I am a part of, the ghost like an ancestor - my mom - who stays near, and the cat like my spirit and physical companions who have chosen to walk with me on this journey.  A journey of learning and pausing to ponder and getting to wear cool striped socks!


Carbzilla said...

"I recall how Mark once told me, when we had only been together a short time, that he enjoyed seeing me enjoy things even more than just enjoying them himself."

So many people never realize that this is what true love is. It is completely selfless like that. This sentence made me smile from the inside.

Can I come over for a reading?

EcoGrrl said...

While this is not a sentence I expected to say - I agree with Carbzilla. Ha! :-)

As a blog-sista I just wanted to say that it's a beautiful thing to learn more about YOU. Whenever we expose ourselves it feels like a risk but in the end it's so cathartic because there's no more wondering. It's out there.

I love to hear about how Mark said that - I just feed off seeing the people I love happy and enjoying something, and it encourages me to let loose as well. And I know what you mean about self-doubt and how it can distract you from being YOU - isn't it nice when we are centered?

PS - love using the tarot as food for thought to get the words out, like magpie but very YOU. :)

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